The Byrd Cage

Byrd Droppings With Mort & Hugs: Season 3, Episode 2

In Game Posts on March 6, 2013 at 10:15 am

Editor’s Note: We like to laugh here at the Byrd Cage and we hope you do too. That’s why we’re happy to showcase Mort & Hugs, our two in-house professional gripers/comedians who’ve never met a D1 athlete/conference/mascot? they weren’t scurd to anonymously mock on the internet.

MORT: It’s tournament time, but have you ever watched the Bachelor? Fascinating. So far I’ve been disappointed by the lack of mayhem, but there are small moments of redemption. Like watching this guy literally ask fathers for their blessing to marry their daughters despite their knowledge that he is in active dating relationships with three other women (and sometimes they say ok!). He dates multiple women with zero exclusivity and no repercussions and pretends like he’s some kind of hero.  You know what I want to see? The first time she rips a giant fart in the car and tells him to suck it.  I’m actively rooting against him. I haven’t felt this strongly about anything since Lipscomb was relevant (see below).

I hope you have all voted for your favorite OVC Mascot this week. If not, you can do so here. While my cup of school spirit overfloweth, how can you even choose? These are just…gems. “Cocky”, the Jacksonville State Gamecock with unrealistic expectations? “Dunker”, the Murray State racing horse? That can dunk?! Yeehaw. Tennessee Tech named their mascot “Awesome Eagle”. They couldn’t quite come to a decision, but they knew they wanted it to be awesome. And I now have a serious problem as Bruiser the Bruin might as well morph into a Turtle with how much they still shove that song down our ears…and I just thought about Awesome Eagle again. It was awesome.

HUGS: No no no.  The clear winner is Captain Skyhawk.  How could you not vote for this guy?

HUGS: I’m voting for UT Martin for having the sheer audacity (or rampant ignorance?) necessary to name their mascot after a mediocre NES game (though to be fair, reviews are mixed). Aristocat is also a strong contender, because his name implies sophistication and lively jazz.

As far as the ACTUAL tournament goes, even my rampantly ignorant self knows that Belmont is a good bet for this weekend.  Nearly undefeated in conference play, and busting Ohio’s bracket open wider than an Awesome Eagle’s wingspan,  The Byrd-Man’s boys in blue boast two All-Conference basket-ballers, including OVC Co-Player of the Year Ian Clark.  Granted, Murray State also has two All-Conference players including a Co-Player of the Year, but they also have a stupid horse rap video that they will NEVER live down.  Sure, they beat us in a heartbreaker on their home court, but they won’t be ON their home court this time. And Ian (also the OVC Defensive Player of the Year) surely has a bone to pick.  Finally, Belmont fans have proven that they can have a respectable turnout when on national TV and, I assume, receive some kind of bribe from the administration.

Given my reasonable confidence in the Bruins, will I be placing any ACTUAL bets? Well the last time I made a bet I ended up looking like this right before my brother’s wedding:

Editors Note: This is not a picture of hugs in Taliban captivity. We promise.

… so, make me an offer I guess and I’ll consider your wager.
What you can ABSOLUTELY bet on is that the youngsters around the league have not yet learned that other people can read their tweets.  This is where Mort and I, out of the goodness of our hearts, attempt to teach these young men about the impact of social media.

Tweets of the Month

@CalebChowbay: Frank Gore wants to play with the lights off. Nobody would ever see him to tackle him. #ExtraCrispy

….I don’t think you can say that?

No you cannot.

@ChadwickLang: I’ll put my bball team up against yours in the following categories. 1. Basketball, duh. 2. Comedy 3. Overall awesomeness

I think this is Bad Chad trying to start a twitter war with Tech. You think you can take Awesome Eagle in the category of Overall Awesomeness? Also, it’s important to note that Basketball is the only category of any importance in this list (duh), as Comedy is both difficult to quantify and lacks a collegiate governing body at the Division 1 level, but watching SEMO at the curb was pretty funny, so maybe we should hash this thing out.

It might be important to know exactly who Chadwick is taunting here, but out of context he has basically declared the Bruins to be the Harlem Globetrotters. Not to rain on Chad’s parade, but I would venture to guess that the award for “World’s Funniest Basketball Team” would carry the exact same weight as the award for “World’s Most Athletic Comedian,” which is none.

@EBreezy_21: I feel like that is a recruiting violation. Maybe idk tho lol.

The Byrd Cage would like to welcome Evan Bradds to Belmont. I would also like to point out that it was a pretty scary to read this, his 73rd tweet of the day. Yes, he tweeted 73 times. In a day.

And how would you like to be Ohio University? Not only did you lose your bracket buster game on national television, but you also had your prized recruit decommit from you and recommit to said bracket-busting team. I’m surprised Coach didn’t poke Jim Christian in the eye going through the handshake line.

I don’t know what order all those things happened in, but I bet Ohio probably feels like I did after finding out my ex-girlfriend was seeing someone else after getting the “it’s not you, it’s me” line.  Which is really bad.  However, unlike Ohio, it will take me less than a year to bounce back from the jilting that is the loss of a top recruit combined with a trouncing by The Mont on national TV.  I hope.

“Listen Ohio, it’s not you, it’s me!  I’m too good for you.” 

Bummer, Ohio. I guess “commitment” doesn’t mean what it used to anymore.  But he wasn’t the one for you anyway.  Just go ahead and set him to “acquaintance” on Facebook, delete all his text messages, and maybe start journaling. I’m sending you my roommate’s copy of “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”  It helps.  If that doesn’t work you can try my backup strategy of listening to Sinatra’s “In the Wee Small Hours” while draining a fifth of Maker’s, and then breaking that bottle against a tree behind your house.

And because it’s impossible to resist, no matter how irrelevant:

@itsburgtime: Food poisoning is too common these days. Im sticking to Lunchables…

You know, when you think about it, diabetes IS a form of food poisoning.

This is a grown ass man who views lunchables as a problem solved.



  1. this made my dayt

  2. […] just joining us and are a ‘Belmont fan’, shame on you! Where have you been all year? If you’re an Arizona fan and don’t understand why Mort & Hugs are still making fun […]

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