The Byrd Cage

Byrd Droppings with Mort & Hugs

In Game Posts on February 1, 2013 at 10:23 am

Editor’s Note: We like to laugh here at the Byrd Cage and we hope you do too. That’s why we’re happy to announce the return of Mort & Hugs. Our two in-house professional gripers/comedians who’ve never met a D1 athlete they weren’t scurd to anonymously mock on the internet.

MORT: We’re almost halfway through the OVC schedule and it is time to dust off the obligatory weekly lampoon. Hugs and I enjoyed our column last year, but have yet to muster enough inspiration this season to spend the necessary fifteen minutes to put 350 words to word processor due to the fact that our initial excitement for entering this new conference was whittled away by the drubbing of our first 5 conference opponents by a combined 120 pts. If this conference was a movie, it would have the plot twist of a yawn and the critical acclaim of “Jack and Jill”, which sucked, but was the inspiration for the greatest movie review headline of all time: 0 out of 5 stars, laughingly unfunny. What incredible headline does this conference inspire? “Nobody watched, but no one threw up.”

For the love of Marty Dickens can someone PLEASE turn up the damn speakers in the event center? There are THREE guys sitting at the sound booth. ONE of you needs to find the volume knob and turn it up to awesome. Lipscomb’s system makes my ears bleed, and it is amazing. We are losing to Lipscomb, an inferior school with an inferior team in a barely inferior conference. Then someone needs to tell God or whoever is in charge of the karaoke selection that a.) please no karaoke, and b.) please never play that Turtles song ever again. I get it. It’s a Belmont institution. But it shouldn’t be. I think “neat fact” is as far as that haunting carol should have ever gotten, but someone somewhere in the quality assurance department fell asleep when Karaoke Turtles Song in the Third Quarter Every Game was proposed before the season began.

Also, ByrdCage column DEMAND: Spreadin’ The News with Nick. Every Belmont game, Nick tells us which team he took against the spread and why, complete with his descriptions of his disgust with our opponents’ lack of quality coaching.

HUGS: Listen everyone, I don’t have time for this nonsense; I’m not in grad school anymore.  Just kidding. But not really.

In all seriousness though, I do feel a DEEP sense of shame for my lack of commitment to our Bruins in their inaugural year in the OVC.  But it looks like they’ve been doing fine without me.  Seriously, conference opponents.  Get your crap together. The one game I’ve managed to make it to this year was the least compelling sporting contest I’ve ever witnessed, and I’m a Cubs fan.  If we are just going to run roughshod over the conference, then I have little motivation to pay close attention.  I’ll have to come up with more exciting ways to fill my time, like becoming a hockey fan or watching my 26 year old roommates rediscover Tony Hawk Pro Skater for Playstation.

I am happy for our boys though.  It’s not their fault they’re playing the Globetrotters to the OVC’s Generals. Or maybe it is.  Maybe they should start shaving some points to make these contests more engaging.  It will definitely make Nick’s gambling addiction more exciting.

What does excite me is that if we continue the current pattern, it WILL make for a very interesting Selection Sunday.  Until then, wake me up when we go to Murray State.  However, I won’t be awake for very long because IMMEDIATELY after the game I will be heading to the Murray fixture and culinary GOLD MINE that is Mary’s to eat an A-Train (steak sandwich between two grilled cheese sandwiches), which will send my organs into the most pleasant meat and cheese-related shutdown imaginable.  Stay tuned to Ian Clark being amazing.

Sweet Bruin Baller Tweets:

@2sicksideburns:  I made a wish at 11:11 and it came true!! Juwanna Mann is on Comedy Central!!!

I would like to note that this tweet was composed during the second inauguration of President Barack Obama, which also happened to be on Martin Luther King Day.  This future schoolteacher chose instead to watch Juwanna Mann.  There’s a joke here somewhere.

This confirms all my suspicions. Baker is a 14 year old schoolboy in a schoolteacher’s body.

@DrewHanlen:  Just watched Shawshank Redemption w/ my mom. Love that movie! Buddy tunneled his way out of jail w/ a small hammer. Persistence pays off!

Drew, your twitter account is the one of the most consistently inspirational things I regularly read. I admire your upbeat attitude and your ceaseless encouragement.  That said, take it down.  Just. take it. down. a notch.  This is a movie of vicious beatings, corruption, and crawling through poop. It is not an after school special.

When did Hoopin’ become the single greatest person of all time? Seriously, the dude watches Shawshank (the most inspirational movie of all time save Mighty Ducks, D2, and Bridesmaids) WITH HIS MOM. He hangs out with NBA All-Stars and counts “persistence” as a hobby. Rumor is he’s both a knight and a saint. Compared to Drew, Tim Tebow is a drunk-driving prostitute. If you wouldn’t trade lives with this guy, then put me down for an eighth of whatever you are smoking.

…yeah me too.

@Itsburgtime:  Drank so much coffee I’d fail a drug test. #BurgyProbz

Remember that one time… ? Roasted.

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