The Byrd Cage

About Last Night With Mort and Hugs- Week 2

In Game Posts on February 29, 2012 at 7:41 am

If you, the reader, decide that this blog (and especially this column) are a legitimate choice for wasting your time, then you should know my absolute disdain for the hashtag. At any given time, I can go onto twitter and find 5 hashtags within 2 minutes that are downright stupid: #iworkwithher #feedbackrules #baja4life #stunnerbitch #powerinthevolumeofprayer (yes. I found this.) #wontletmechangechannel

And my all-time favorite:


#Truth? You have just made some sort of statement of pejorative fact, like “The Oscars are great television.” Or “Lady Antebellum is good music” Or “I love sandwiches!”. You then qualify your statement, which we assume to be true initially, or at least that you believe it to be true, by adding the hashtag #truth to the very end. I think this is intended to be some sort of exclamation point, some kind of definitive value judgment party where you are the emcee and we’re invited after all the beer is gone. You know what? Here’s the truth: the only Oscar nominated movie that I have seen is Moneyball, Lady Antebellum is for sissies, and your hashtag SUCKS. It implies that everything else you say that doesn’t include your proclamation of rightness is, in fact, not a fact. #Truth makes you a serial liar, and I hate you for it.  Hashtags have four distinct purposes: to organize your own tweets, target your audience, get you more retweets, and get you more followers. Notice that this list does not include impressing others with whimsical nonsense or smashing random words together. #Truth.


@itsburgtime (Jordan Burgason, top 3-point shooter in nation, Lipscomb player until kicked out for unknown reasons): I wore my Mickey mouse sweater to golf today for good luck. Screw Mickey and the whole Disney crew.

Mort:  I have a feeling Mr. Burg will be a regular in our column. Does this mean that you played a poor round of golf or that you know that Disney would never want you to wear or endorse their characters due to your expulsion from college due to undisclosed discretions?

Spencer Turner (Belmont b-ball player) (@SpencerTurner11)

Just made a 4 hour drive. My cheeks are about as numb as Dolly Parton’s chest!!

Brandon Baker (Belmont b-ball player) (@2sicksideburns)

I had no idea Harden had this kind of lock down D. He must have been hiding it in his beard.

Mort:  Have you been hiding your wit in your 2 sick sideburns?

Hugs:  If his beard is anything like mine, there is also probably some Dorito flavoring in it. Ladies…

Chad Lang (Belmont b-ball player) @WildboyZero

I’m 19 with lines on my face from smiling too much. I’ll take it.

Mort:  I’m 25 with hair on my chest from too much 70’s adult star swag. I’ll take it.

Hugs:  I’m 26 with no job.

Lewis Preston (Kennesaw State b-ball Men’s Coach)  @Lewp42

I am on our bus thinking about the upcoming week of games and recruiting and seeing future OWLS! The future is EXCITING!

Hugs:  The key word here is “future.”  I can think of nothing LESS exciting for the KSU Owls than the present.  Or the recent past. Or even the immediate future.

Mort:  You made me giggle like Jordan Burgason. Give me 85 grand and I’ll get you 0 wins in conference. Less money, same result.

Hugs:  I would do it for 39K and a dental plan.

@notmarkeithcummings (The fake basketball player for Kennesaw State)

Transferring to Belmont GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR #byrdcage

…just sayin’…



Ryan Hurd @notryanhurd

@DrewHanlan (Belmont b-ball player), Your middle name is “Hoopin’” right?

Mort:  I’m not hearing any objections.  I’ll need to see a birth certificate to prove otherwise.

Adam Barnes (Belmont b-ball player) (@Dat_Boi_AB)

Stay in to many hotels… Always forget my room number
Mort:  Code for: “So many women, always forget her name…”

Holden Mobley (Belmont b-ball player) @Holden Mobley

Vanesssa Hudgens. Wow. Underrated
Mort:  Really? I think she is just plain ‘rated’.

Adam Barnes (@Dat_Boi_AB)

Just ate the entire box of fruit snacks… Sorry team! Lol
Hugs:  It’s difficult to keep up your FG percentage when you’ve lost a foot to diabetes.

Adam Barnes (@Dat_Boit_AB)

Awww man!!! Headed to Cracker Barrel with the team… Look out world!

Hugs:  I also refer to my intestines as “world.”


An Exclusive Look Backstage at The ByrdCage

Email Thread with Adult Steve, who is in Haiti getting points in heaven for our blog:

One time in college, Steve and I created God’s Team on MVP Baseball 2006 for Xbox, where each player was a character from the Bible with infinite ability and played for the Angels.  I think his trip is making up for those blasphemies: 

Hugs: I hope you accidentally get on the wrong plane, and then have to spend one harrowing night setting booby traps for robbers in an empty hut. Also, Can we all agree that Home Alone 3 would have been semi-watchable if they had just jumped the shark and sent Kevin to Haiti?

Adult Steve: It would have been better with the afflicted and damaged Culkin.  Instead they used some cute kid.  I wouldn’t have minded watching Kevin murder people in the streets.   With Stern and Pesci it would have felt more Goodfellas meets Lord of the Flies.  Bad for family movies but good for me.

Idea: For Christmas 2014, Christopher Nolan’s gritty reboot of Home Alone.  Kevin McAlister is an Iraq War vet with EXTREME PTSD.  He just got out of a VA hospital where he’s been for 3 years.  He’s living with his parents, and due to a couple months of “good days” they figure they can trust him with watching the house for a weekend while they go out of town to visit friends.  Their new house is in a somewhat rural area; what could go wrong?


Think bear traps and knives instead of irons and bb guns.

Mort: Yeah I wanted to see an 18-year-old tweaker-Kevin whose weekend bender caused him to miss the family flight to San Diego. His drug dealer finds him passed out in an alley with no money, puts him in a crate and ships him to Somalia, where Kevin becomes a hash kingpin, because even without money, he still has more than those people. He hears the bells of the mosque on Christmas day, realized that without his mom, he’s never getting home, but also realizes that he has no means of communication. He hitches a pirate ship, which is more like a canoe, and baits them into attacking a French cruise ship. Culkin gags himself and pretends to be captive, then boards the cruise, has relations with 6 women from the Riviera, gets to the Aegean, jumps a flight back to New York, where he meets his mom at the Rockefeller tree as they are tearing it down for the season. “Mom, I’m sorry for using…I’ll try to take it easy…”




Isaiah Canaan (Ballin’ Guard for the one loss Murray State Racers) (@SiP03)

2/22/12 6:55 PM

The only different between a winner and a loser is a winner plays until he wins!! #fact

Mort:  This guy is bound for the NBA, where spelling and general smartness are not prerequisite. Actually, the difference between a winner and a loser is the score at the end of the game. I’ll give you a break because you are the best player on an insanely talented MSU team, but I’m deducting points for your lack of proofreading and for the most hilarious use of hashtag of all time. You substituted the oft-used #fact for the overused #truth at the end of a tweet that is neither. You see, what you said doesn’t make a damn bit of sense, and the fact that I tried for almost four minutes to understand what you were attempting to communicate just ended up making me dumber. I cannot even figure out an example of when this statement applies. Hugs? 

Hugs:  Mr. Canaan, you are aware that all sporting contests have some form of time limit, correct?  It is in fact these limits and the difference in score existing when they are reached that determine winners and losers.  And while we recognize that this tweet is a commentary on the nature of effort and self-image, it is nevertheless #factuallyinaccurate.  Consider some more reasonable alternatives:

The only different [sic] between a winner and a loser is a winner keeps his knees healthy enough to amass a respectable win-loss percentage.”

“The only different [sic] between a winner and a loser is some variable function of talent, team support, and officiating.”

“There are many differences between winners and losers, depending on how deep we want to go with this.”

I could go on.  If any of you athletes and budding tweeters want someone to edit, I will do it for $1 per tweet.  And a dental plan.

  1. Sometimes I feel like the only one dedicated to commenting on these things. . .

    Do Mosques really have bells?

  2. Don’t confuse me with Drew Hanlen. I’m twice the athlete.

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